My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
