1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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