Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
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when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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