I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
