i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
