Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
