If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
