i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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