My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
