I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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