dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
