I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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