Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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