My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
