The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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