i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
