i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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