Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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