It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
