its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
