I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
