My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
