You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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