thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
