You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
