This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
