every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
