I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
