dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
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Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
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How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
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