4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm going to jail i love you
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
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