I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
