My first STD was from a foam party
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
