I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
