At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
