Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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