Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
