I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
