how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
