dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
