Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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