i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
