Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
