She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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