My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
