"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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