My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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