y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
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