i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
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just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
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This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
my nose is crying tears of wow.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.