You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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