I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
