I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
