All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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