That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I am midnight drunk by noon
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
In other news, I just burned my penis
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
