Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
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You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
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Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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