ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
