Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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