Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
