I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
