so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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