no, he came in my armpit
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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