Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
