ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Ketchup is God's man juice
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
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