Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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