I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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